A Charmeded Christmas Carol
by kaytee83
Summary: The final part of seasonal Charmeded for you all to keep you going before the new series gets here. Expect more bad jokes, worse storylines and cameos from half the authors on ffn. I AM original! But hey, it's Christmas and it's Charmeded! Enjoy! Part 3.
1. Part Uno

A/N: Set after the musical, but before the new series... obviously. Remember that in Series Three Prue died, then she came back for the musical, then went away again. So as this begins, Prue is not with us *snif*  
  
A/N: Yeah, so I'm just bored waiting for Charmeded to come out (like you are) so I cooked this piece of cra- um, seasonal greatness for you to keep you happy!  
  
A/N: Most of your names have been used without permission, but you are either ex-charmeded demons or friends of mine (with one exception) so I don't think you'll mind. Basically, the part with All The Demons (of whom there are many) is a big thank you to all my loyal reviewers who came back episode after episode to support me. You are my favourite ones!  
  
A/N: One last thing... most of this is a rewrite from memory. Tragedy has struck, my friends. My floppy disk buggered up yet again and I lost over half of the entire series of brand spankin' new Charmeded. And about four fifths of this. I'm really quite unhappy just now, but I'll try my best to make everything as good as it was, because damn... it was really good. And this is coming from me, my own biggest critic. Wish me luck.  
  
  
A CHARMEDED CHRISTMAS CAROL  
  
  
SCENE:  
  
BLACK.   
  
SFX: RANDOM LITTLE BELL JINGLING NOISES. YES, WE ARE *THAT* CHEESY DOWN HERE AT CHARMEDED.  
  
KT(VO): 'Twas the night before christmas-  
PIPER(VO): Actually it's six days before it.  
  
PAUSE.  
  
KT(VO): 'Twas six days before christmas and in the Halliwell house  
Not but a thing stirred - not even a mouse.  
  
OPEN ON: A LITTLE MOUSE RUNNING AROUND THE ATTIC.  
  
KT(OS): Hey! I said "not but a thing stirred!"  
MOUSE: That doesn't even make all that much sense!  
KT(OS): Repent!  
  
A BOLT OF LIGHTNING FRIES THE MOUSE. AND RIGHTLY SO!  
  
CUT TO:  
  
AN EXTERIOR SHOT OF THE F*CK OFF PINK MANSION, SLOWLY ZOOMING IN.  
  
KT(VO): Inside the manor was the hustle and bustle  
Of thy Charmeded Ones in their christmas tustle.  
  
CUT TO: KITCHEN - DAY. PHOEBE ENTERS, WHISTLING THAT HARRY POTTER TUNE. PIPER RUNS IN AND SMACKS HER.  
  
PIPER: Gah! I can't stand your infernal racket! And that tune (pronounced 'toon') is so annoying!  
PHOEBE: Well you could've just said something about it. You didn't have to hit me.  
PIPER: Oh didn't I?  
  
PIPER STARTS WHISTLING THE SAME TUNE AND EXITS, PHOEBE GLARING AFTER HER. PAIGE ENTERS.  
  
PAIGE: What's Piper so happy about? Do you have a terminal disease or something?  
  
PHOEBE SLAPS PAIGE.  
  
PHOEBE: You don't get to make the pheodeath jokes! You buggy, pasty... um... buggy... bug-face!  
PAIGE: Ooh, harsh.  
  
PAUSE.  
  
PAIGE: So. Is this Charmeded or what?  
PHOEBE: I dunno. It doesn't feel like Charmeded.  
PAIGE: I know what you mean. Charmeded always has that atmosphere... but we're not singing so it's not another musical, and we don't have the Charmeded atmosphere either.  
PHOEBE: Yet we're talking in script form so this isn't Charmed-O-Rama.  
  
BOTH RUB THEIR CHINS.  
  
PAIGE: Oh sh*t!  
  
PAIGE HAS ACCIDENTALLY LOST HER HAND INSIDE HER DENT CHIN! SLOWLY, SHE'S SWALLOWING HER OWN ARM THROUGH HER CHIN!  
  
PAIGE: Phoebe! Help me!  
PHOEBE: Screw off, vacuum face.  
  
WITH A SCREAM, PAIGE DISAPPEARS AS SHE IS SWALLOWED BY HER OWN CHIN. IT'S KINDA POETIC REALLY. PIPER ENTERS.  
  
PIPER: I was supposed to say something... but I can't remember what.  
PHOEBE: Me too.  
KT(OS): This is where the disk deleted everything folks! I'm trying to remember what happens! Bear with me.  
PIPER: Shh! Oh! I remember! Wait a minute.  
  
PIPER EXITS.   
  
PAUSE.  
  
PIPER ENTERS.  
  
PIPER: It's six days 'til christmas!  
PHOEBE: Christmas, eh?  
PIPER: Yep.  
PHOEBE: Hot diggity, I've got it!  
PIPER: Got what? Chlamidia?  
PHOEBE: Pah, that's old news! No, I mean I got the title of this... thing!  
  
PAUSE.  
  
PIPER: Well?  
PHOEBE: It's not quite Charmeded, it's not quite christmas, so this means it must be the-  
PIPER: Charmeded Christmas 'Special'.  
PHOEBE: ... how did you know?  
PIPER: It says so on the script, idium.  
PHOEBE: *dumbfounded, with emphasis on the dumb* The... script?  
KT(OS): Actually it's called "A Charmeded Christmas Carol".  
  
PIPER AND PHOEBE GLARE AT KT OFF SCREEN. PAIGE ENTERS.  
  
PAIGE: I'm back!  
PHOEBE: Woah - where'd you come from?   
PAIGE: Uh, over there.   
  
PAIGE POINTS BACK AT THE ROOM SHE'D JUST ENTERED FROM.  
  
PHOEBE: I thought you were dead!  
PAIGE: You always think - or hope - I'm dead.  
PIPER: Damn straight.  
PHOEBE: But you swallowed yourself through your own chin!  
PAIGE: Oh Phoebe. Phoebe, Phoebe, Phoebe. When will you ever learn? That happens all the time! In fact, if it doesn't happen at least on a daily basis, I tend to get really quite cranky. Whenever I suck myself up into my chin, I'm simply regenerated in another location, anger free. It's rather refreshing if you must know.  
  
PAUSE.  
  
PHOEBE: That's just weird.  
PIPER: No, what's weird is the fact that Prue's standing right behind you.  
PRUE: *sing-song* Hello!  
  
PHOEBE SEES THAT INDEED, PRUE IS STANDING BEHIND HER. SHE SCREAMS.  
  
PHOEBE: Ai! Prue is here! Piper - look - it's Prue!  
PIPER: What? No way!  
  
SHE DOUBLE-TAKES AT PRUE, AS IF SEEING HER FOR THE FIRST AND UNEXPECTED TIME.  
  
PIPER: Peh-rue? What are you doing here?  
PRUE: Why did you pronounce my name like a country?  
PAIGE: Which happens to be an anagram of your name to boot!  
PRUE: Quiet, you. YOU'RE the boot!  
  
PAIGE RUNS OUT CRYING.  
  
PRUE: And already my visit was worthwhile.  
PIPER: What the paige are you doing here though?  
PHOEBE: And Piper's delighted to see you.  
PIPER: I am... I'm just shocked, that's all.  
PRUE: Why? You should know why I'm here.  
PHOEBE: We should?  
PRUE: Yes! Don't you remember?  
  
* * * CUE: THE DREADED FLASHBACK SCENE - NOOOOOOOOOO NOT A FLASHBACK! PLEASE! * * *  
  
CLIP: CHARMEDED: THE MUSICAL. SCENE 14: (I CAN'T REMEMBER THE TITLE PROPERLY) A TEARFUL FAREWELL/COMPARING PART X.  
  
PRUE BEGINS TO GLOW.  
  
PRUE:So now I must go, but you should remember  
I'll always be watching you - especially in December  
So y'all better get me a Christmas gift  
Or I'll return and smash your... throat... ift...  
PHOEBE: Nice rhyme.  
PRUE: I'll break your spine!  
  
* * * END FLASHBACK. THANK AP! IS EVERYBODY OKAY? EVERYBODY SURVIVED? PHEW. * * *  
  
PRUE: So now you remember? I came back for my christmas presum!  
PIPER: Oh. Oh!  
PRUE: Hold on... you didn't get me one? Then I'm gonna have to smash your throats...ift.  
  
PRUE ADVANCES ON PIPER MENACINGLY.  
  
PIPER: No! We, uh, yeah we got you a presum!  
  
PIPER RUNS OUT INTO THE BACK YARD AND PULLS PAIGE OFF THE SUN-LOUNGER (ONLY PAIGE COULD PULL OFF SUNBATHING IN THE MIDDLE OF WINTER) AND PRESENTS HER TO PRUE WITH A FLORISH. NOBODY SEEMS TO NOTICE SHE IS NOW WEARING A LONG FLOWING BROWN SKIRT.  
  
PIPER: Merry christmas?  
  
I SAID A FLORISH!  
  
PIPER: Sorry. *once more, with feeling* Merry christmas!  
  
SILENCE.  
  
PRUE: You got me a snowman?  
PHOEBE: More like an ice queen.  
PAIGE: STOP COMPARING ME TO PRUE!  
PRUE: Aii! It's alive! It's alive!  
  
SCREAMING LOUDLY, PIPER JUMPS ONTO A CHAIR, HITCHES UP HER SKIRT, AND SCREAMS SOME MORE. PRUE GRABS A BROOM AND STARTS HITTING PAIGE WITH IT. PAIGE FEEBLY TRIES TO RUN AWAY BUT PRUE IS TOO FAST, TOO STRONG AND TOO GOOD. SO HA.  
  
PRUE: Kill it! Kill it!  
PAIGE: It's me - Paige! Your lovable half-sister!  
PRUE: Water is thicker than blood!  
  
PRUE POURS A GLASS OF WATER ALL OVER PAIGE.  
  
PAIGE: Ew.  
PRUE: Just be glad it's not milk.  
  
PRUE CONTINUES TO CHASE PAIGE. PHOEBE WATCHES, THEN STARTS TAPPING HER FOOT AND GLANCING AT HER WATCH. SHE IS LOOKING POINTEDLY AT KT, WHO IS OFF-CAMERA. THEN SHE CLEARS HER THROAT.  
  
PHOEBE: Uh, KT?  
  
CUT TO: KT WHO IS SITTING IN THE DIRECTOR'S CHAIR EATING ICE CREAM.  
  
KT: Mmm... Belgian...  
PHOEBE(OS): KT!  
KT: Hey in the what... oh what the paige!  
  
CUT BACK TO: THE AFOREMENTIONED SCENE.  
  
KT(OS): I can't take a five minute ice cream break around here, can I? Jebus!  
  
KT ENTERS AND GRABS THE BROOM FROM PRUE'S GRASP.  
  
KT: Honestly! I stop watching you guys for three seconds and Miss Violence here starts the Broom War 2003 - before the year's even up! And Miss Hitched-Up-Skirt here, well, weren't you wearing jeans before? And Paige! Well... everything about you sucks!  
  
BY NOW EVERYBODY IS LOOKING DECIDEDLY ASHAMED OF THEMSELVES.  
  
KT: Just... get back to work.  
  
KT EXITS. PRUE GLARES AFTER HER, ANGRY THAT SHE HAS BEEN MADE A FOOL OUT OF. SHE ROLLS UP THE SLEEVES OF HER SLEEVELESS TOP AND BEGINS TO STOMP AFTER KT, PUTTING ON HER "I'M SO KICKING YOUR ASS" FACE, UNTIL PIPER GRABS HER ARM.  
  
PIPER: Uh, Prue, instead of beating KT back to hell (after all it is christmas, isn't it?), why don't you just take a look at the christmas tree?  
PRUE: You got a friggin tree?  
PAIGE: Well actually, I got the tree. I dragged it all the way across town at the dead of night, put it up, decorated it and made it look lovely for a nice surprise when my sisters-  
PRUE: Ahem.  
PAIGE: *whimpers* I mean, YOUR sisters... anyways, for a nice surprise for when Piper and Phoebe woke up. *tearful* I guess I figured it'd make them like me just a tiny bit, and then, if they could let me into their hearts just for that one second, maybe one day, one day I might actually find them letting themselves love me.  
  
SILENCE. SOMEHOW PIPER IS WEARING JEANS AGAIN. TRY NOT TO DWELL ON IT.  
  
PRUE: Piper, that ever gonna happen?  
PIPER: Not a chance.  
  
PAUSE.  
  
PAIGE: So...  
PRUE: What's brown and sticky?  
PAIGE: I don't know, what's brown and sticky?  
  
ALL FROWN AT HER.  
  
PIPER: Are you serious?  
PAIGE: Um...  
PHOEBE: What's blue and smells like paint?  
PIPER: What did the pillow say to the lampshade?  
PRUE: What's brown and sticky?  
PAIGE: I don't know! What? What? WHAT!?!  
PRUE: A stick.  
PHOEBE: Blue paint.  
PIPER: Nothing, it's a friggin pillow you numbskull!  
PRUE: And a stick.  
  
LONG SILENCE.  
  
PAIGE: Oh... I get it!  
  
SHE LAUGHS FEEBLY.  
  
PRUE: What a loser.  
PHOEBE: Come see the tree!  
  
BEFORE THEY CAN GO INTO THE NEXT ROOM, PART OF THE WALL SMASHES IN AND A HUGE DRAGON ROARS MIGHTILY.  
  
SMASH CUT TO:  
  
BLACK.  
  
VOICE OVER GUY: Oh my sweet Astral Prue! This Christmas 'special' has a cliffhanger!?! What's with that?  
VOICE OVER WOMAN: Duh, the next part is being aired tomorrow, dumbass!  
VOICE OVER GUY: I see... wow! Prue! A Dragon! Christmas! What more could anyone ask for?  
KT: More cameos! Oh they're coming guys! Beware! 


	2. Part Deux

A/N: Thanks for the reviews hoes! And wow - Anonymous... that wasn't a flame! I'm almost disappointed in you...  
  
  
A CHARMEDED CHRISTMAS CAROL  
  
  
SCENE: THE KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS (REMEMBER THE DRAGON?). THERE IS WALL RUBBLE ALL OVER THE FLOOR. PIPER LOOKS AT IT DISDAINFULLY.  
  
PIPER: Oh now look at the mess in here!  
  
SHE PICKS UP A BRICK AND STARTS TO REBUILD THE WALL.  
  
DRAGON: Excuse me.  
PHOEBE: What do you want?  
DRAGON: Hello! I'm the demon here!  
PIPER: You struck me more as a dragon-  
DRAGON: Shut up! My name is JD!  
PRUE: Meaning...  
JD: JadeDragon of course!  
  
PAUSE.  
  
PRUE: How... inventive.  
JD: Yeah, there's some numbers after it. Like... The Second or something.  
PIPER: Not good enough to be the first, huh?  
JD: *changing subject* Will you please act scared!?!  
  
PAUSE.  
  
ALL: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  
JD: That's more like it!  
  
THE DRAGON MORPHS INTO A MORE SIZABLE HUMAN FORM. THROUGH THE GAPING HOLE IN THE WALL, TWO MORE DEMONS MAKE THEIR WAY INSIDE. ONE IS CLEARLY RECOGNISABLE AS-  
  
STEPH: That's right! I'm back!  
  
... STEPH. WELL WOO HOO. NO, I'M BEING SERIOUS, IT'S GREAT THAT SHE'S HERE...  
  
PHOEBE: I thought you were all paralysed on our doorstep.  
PRUE: Yeah, I was getting used to stepping over the blood.  
PIPER: Shame, really.  
STEPH: Well I got better. I'm now fully posable!  
DEMON1: *clears throat* *whiney voice* Steph!  
STEPH: All right, all right. This is Vince. He's gonna attack you in the new series of Char-  
  
KT RUNS ON AND SLAPS STEPH.  
  
KT: I KNEW you were the wrong person to spoil! Stupid fat loser. Why don't you tell everyone everything that happens in the new series? I'm never spoiling you again. EVER.   
  
KT EXITS. STEPH LOOKS UPSET.  
  
STEPH: I'm not fat, am I?  
VINCE: I think the main thing is the fact that I, the adorable Vince, am here.  
JD: Excuse me - I'M the one crashing in here!  
STEPH: Learn to share!  
  
THE CHARMEDED ONES EXCHANGE GLANCES.   
  
PAIGE: Get out.  
PRUE: Yeah Phoebe.  
PHOEBE: Hey! She meant the demons!  
VINCE: Did not.  
PHOEBE: Did too!  
STEPH: Did not.  
PHOEBE: I'm Phoebe! You can't defy me!  
  
BAM! TWO MORE DEMONS ENTER FROM THE HALLWAY. THEY SEEM TO BE FAMILIAR... AS IF WE'VE SEEN THEM BEFORE...  
  
DEMON1:   
VINCE: Hey - I'M Demon1.  
  
THAT'S BECAUSE YOU HADN'T BEEN INTRODUCED YET, VINCE!  
  
VINCE: I don't care. I want to be BOTH.  
  
VINCE POUTS. OH, FINE. YOU LITTLE BUGGER.  
  
DEMON2: What was I gonna say? Oh yeah - you HAVE seen us before! It's me, X!  
PHOEBE: It's Sex! Sex the demon! Sex, Sex, Sex, Sex...  
X: Yeah... well, X-Moonchik to be exact, and spelt correctly this time KT.  
KT(OS): Ahem... yeah, sorry.  
X: But call me Moony. Phor phun, Phoebe ph-style.  
  
ALL LOOK AT MOONY IN DISGUST.   
  
DEMON3: And I'm Quistis. Remember? I used to teach people all about your weaknesses and how to take advantage, defeat you or just physically kick your asses from time to time. Then YOU-  
  
QUISTIS GLARES AT THE FEEBS.  
  
QUISTIS: You, mother trucker, made that mother trucking website and ruined me. RUINED! So, as it happens, I am no longer an instructor, nor do I teach. But when I did, oh, Lordy, were those days grand. Do you remember, Pixie-  
PHOEBE: It's Phoebe.  
QUISTIS: Whatever, Pixie, do you remember all that time ago when I kicked your ass? My students, after failing mostly at the simple task of taking you down, wanted me to prove that my theories, plans and ideas actually were fool-proof. Turns out they weren't, and I got vanquished alongside the rest of the goons that were the demons last season. Since then, I escaped from demon limbo, hung around dumpsters surviving on apple cores and sludge from the Manhatten Sludge Pits, and building up my strength killing rats and cats with no legs. And now, at christmas, I have returned to claim my revenge!  
  
QUISTIS FINALLY SHUTS THE HELL UP TO SEE EVERYBODY HAS FALLEN ASLEEP.  
  
QUISTIS: WAKE THE PAIGE UP!  
PHOEBE: Oh... what happened? *sees Quistis* Oh right. I see you still do that thing where you never stop talking.  
QUISTIS: But I'm interesting... aren't I?  
PAIGE: You're about as interesting as a lime on a pogo stick.  
PIPER: Wow! A lime on a pogo stick? That IS interesting!  
  
PAUSE.  
  
PAIGE: Damn.  
MOONY: Heh, loser.  
VINCE: Excuse me, I'd like some attention now.  
JD: Hey - this is MY turn to attack the Charmeded Ones! You've all been before-  
VINCE: I haven't! Yet...  
STEPH: SILENCE!  
  
SILENCE. EVERYBODY LOOKS AT STEPH, FRIGHTENED. STEPH LOOKS BACK, ABASHED.  
  
STEPH: Uh... okay, this is awkward... start talking again.  
JD: Well I've had enough of this. I'm outta here. You all suck!  
  
JD TURNS INTO THE DRAGON, KNOCKS THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK (WHICH WAS IN THE NEXT ROOM) OVER AND SHATTERS IT, AND STOMPS OUT.  
  
PIPER: *tearful* The clock!  
  
KIT ENTERS.  
  
KIT: I have a confession. Sometimes I wish I was a dog.  
  
ALL GASP. KIT EXITS. FOLLOWED BY A LONG, UNCOMFORTABLE PAUSE.  
  
PHOEBE: *whispered* This is just like that time Prue became a man-  
PIPER: Shhh! This isn't the time!  
  
PIPER ELBOWS PHOEBE IN THE SIDE, AND THE SILENCE IS RESUMED. THEN:  
  
QUISTIS: Well. Anyways. As I was saying...  
  
ALL GROAN.  
  
PHOEBE: All right, that's it. I've vanquished you before, and I'll do it again.  
MYSTERIOUS VOICE: No, it was me who you vanquished.  
  
ALL TURN AND GASP.  
  
P3: Siamese?!?  
PAIGE: Sia-who?  
PRUE: Shh! Look at your stoopid hair!  
SIAMESE: That's right. It is I, Siamese, the demon who didn't come to kill you but simply liked the show. And how did you repay me? You vanquished my sorry ass!  
PHOEBE: I didn't mean to vanquish you! I only wanted a hug!  
PRUE: Yeah, Siamese, I don't blame you for imploding like that. If Phoebe tried to touch me, I'd rather kill myself. Don't worry about it.  
SIAMESE: I guess... but I'm leaving now, just in case.  
PIPER: But you've hardly been here.  
SIAMESE: But Phoebe is staring at me creepily. I think she's gonna go for another hug and... ew, I don't wanna be a part of that!  
  
PHOEBE STORMS OUT.  
  
SIAMESE: Like I care. Well, until Phoebe apologises for her abysmal behaviour, make mine Charmeded!  
  
PHOEBE ENTERS.  
  
PHOEBE: Look, I'm sorry I left like that, it really was...  
PRUE: Abysmal behaviour?  
PHOEBE: Right.  
SIAMESE: Noooooooo vanquished by Phoebe agaiiiiiiiin!  
  
SIAMESE BURSTS INTO FLAMES AND - YOU GUESSED IT - DISAPPEARS. SHAME.  
  
MOONY: La la la lesbium.  
PHOEBE: Yes?  
MOONY: Ick. SO how's Piper's prob...  
  
PIPER IS GLARING AT MOONY.  
  
MOONY: Bit. Probit.  
PIPER: Yeah you better be afraid of me, poor sweet fool.  
PHOEBE: Moony, can I make love to you like I've never made love to you before?  
MOONY: No! I'm with Jenni!  
  
MOONY EXPLODES.  
  
PHOEBE: I've vanquished another demon!  
PRUE: Man, Charmeded IS different from Charmed!  
  
BA BOOM CHAA. A WARLOCK ENTERS. YES, A WARLOCK AND NOT A DEMON. DEMONS ARE BETTER THAN WARLOCKS.  
  
WARLOCK: Bwa ha ha ha ha.  
PAIGE: Who the paige is this schmuck?  
WARLOCK: I think you suck! I think you rule! You suck! You rule!  
ALL: Ha ha ha ha ha... ha...  
WARLOCK: I am Rayefire!  
PRUE: Ohmigosh! It's that HILARIOUS person-type-thingy from ffn!  
ALL: *disbelieving* Noooo!  
RAYEFIRE: That's right! It is I!  
PIPER: Oh, oh, she's too funny for me. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!  
KT(OS): Yes, it's too funny for the likes of Charmeded. HA HA HA. And ha!  
RAYEFIRE: Are you taking the piss?  
  
PAIGE STARTS TO ESCORT RAYEFIRE TO THE DOOR.  
  
PAIGE: Oh, absolutely not! You just are too funny, and in your presence, people can't help but laugh. It's just pure unadulterated talent! Bye now!  
  
SHE SHOVES RAYEFIRE OUTSIDE AND COMES BACK THROUGH. PAUSE.  
  
QUISTIS: This show really isn't going anywhere, is it?  
  
BAM! TWO DEMONS JUMP THROUGH THE WINDOW.  
  
AUDIENCE: What window?  
  
... SHUT UP.   
  
DEMON67: Bam! It's me, Klah! How dare I be unincluded from this! I'm the best one! And I brought Mari with me too.  
MARI: I don't even want to be here.  
  
MARI LEAVES.  
  
KLAH: So, what's going on?  
  
KLAH SLAPS EVERYONE.  
  
PRUE: Look, this is getting ridiculous. I'm gonna get to doing some impromptu vanquishing.   
  
PRUE TK'S QUISTIS OUT OF THE WINDOW.  
  
PRUE: Bam!  
PAIGE: I'm gonna take out Klah!  
KLAH: Oh puh-lease! As if a pithy little pasty-faced lesbium like you could hurt the Great me?  
PAIGE: Soon to be the Late Great, missy!  
  
KLAH RUNS UP TO PAIGE AND PUNCHES HER. BAM! RIGHT IN THE CHIN! SMIRKING, KLAH STARTS TO PULL HER FIST AWAY BUT...  
  
KLAH: What the paige is happening! My hand is stuck!  
PAIGE: Aww, Klah, did you forget my chin is like a vortex? You're finished, baybay. You're gonna get sucked right in there and you're never coming out.  
KLAH: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
KLAH IS, AS PAIGE TOLD US (AND DEMONSTRATED SEVERAL TIMES) SUCKED INTO PAIGE'S CHIN... NEVER TO BE SEEN AGAIN (THANK AP?)  
  
PIPER: Bam!  
  
PAIGE... ORBS OUT THEN IN AGAIN.  
  
PAIGE: ... Bam?  
  
PHOEBE VANQUISHES HERSELF.  
  
ALL: Woohoo!  
PRUE: Okay, demon count. Steph, Vince, you two live too long.   
  
LEO ORBS IN AND COLE SHIMMERS IN.  
  
LEO: Yo.  
COLE: Word.  
PIPER: Hey. This is the first time my beloved hubby has been in this. I'd rather it was the way it was before. Without him.   
  
COLE AND LEO MORPH TOGETHER INTO THE SAME PERSON - COLEO!  
  
COLEO: Well, you'll be happy to know that I'm actually a demon. I can separate myself and coincidentally, I can be Cole and Leo. Cos I'm convenient like that. Paige, stop humping my leg!  
  
PAIGE GOES RED AND LETS GO.  
  
VINCE: Hump mine!  
PAIGE: Ew.  
PIPER: Okay, too much.   
  
SHE BLOWS UP COLEO AND VINCE.  
  
PIPER: Idiums.  
STEPH: Yep, those people are really-  
  
STEPH WOULD SAY MORE, BUT SHE IS SUDDENLY ATTACKED BY A TIGER.  
  
PRUE: Gotta lubb random appearances from jungle creatures.  
TIGER: *pausing in slashing up Steph* Some call me Tiger. Some call me Tiger-X. Some call me Countertiger-X.  
PIPER: And some can't be bothered.  
STEPH: Get off me please.  
PRUE: Yeah, I'm trying to get rid of Steph.  
TIGER: But I'm a tiger! How often do you see something like this?  
PAIGE: There was a dragon in here a few minutes ago.  
  
PAUSE.  
  
TIGER: She always has to cross the line, doesn't she?  
PIPER: Usually, Paige is so far over the line, she can't see it anymore.  
TIGER: I see... ooh! A mouse!  
  
THE MOUSE THAT GOT HIT BY LIGHTNING LAST PART IS SKULKING ABOUT, AND SEES HE'S BEING STARED AT.  
  
PAUSE.  
  
MOUSE: Eep.  
  
BAM! THE MOUSE IS RUNNING LIKE THE GODDAMN WIND WITH TIGER HOT ON HIS HEELS. THEY BOTH EXIT OUT THE HOLE IN THE WALL.  
  
PIPER: I'm not sure if we should fix that wall. It's such a handy entrance and exit.  
  
PAUSE.  
  
PRUE: So I'm up for beating Steph.  
STEPH: Please don't kill me!  
PRUE: Aww. We'd never kill you. I'm just gonna TK you around a bit then put you back on our front door step.  
STEPH: Woohoo!  
  
PRUE TK'S STEPH INTO THE CEILING, WALLS, FLOOR, DOORS, THE BROKEN GRANDFATHER CLOCK, PAIGE, PIPER, THE TOASTER, THE FLOOR AGAIN, SOME KNIVES... THEN TK'S HER OUTSIDE ONTO THE GROUND UNDER THE WINDOW WHERE SHE LAST FELL OUT.   
  
STEPH(OS): Oh the memories!  
  
PHOEBE ENTERS.  
  
PAIGE: I thought you were dead!  
  
ON THEIR ASTONISHED FACES WE:  
  
SMASH CUT TO:  
  
BLACK.  
  
  
  
VOICE OVER GUY: What the paige! Another damn cliffhanger!  
VOICE OVER WOMAN: Well, you'll be happy to know the concluding part is up tomorrow. Oh the joys, huh?  
VOICE OVER GUY: Indubitably.  
VOICE OVER WOMAN: Is that even a word?  
KT: Who knows? 


	3. That Darn Final Part Otherwise Known As ...

A/N: To Anonymous - aww! You lubbed Lierre too! Maybe you're not as ebil as we all thought... just for you, I'll beat Steph one more time. Or maybe twice.   
A/N: The part about Chihuahuas is taken from dogbreedinfo.com in case you're THAT interested. It's a real quote from the website, I only went there to find out how to spell chihuahua, but I got a whole lot more than I bargained for with the quote from the 'paige' that Phoebe says. It was too damn funny. You'll see when you get there.  
  
  
A CHARMEDED CHRISTMAS CAROL  
  
COLE(VO): Previously on ACCC.  
  
KITCHEN. PHOEBE ENTERS.  
  
PAIGE: I thought you were dead!  
  
ON THEIR ASTONISHED FACES WE:  
  
SMASH CUT TO:  
  
BLACK.  
  
FADE IN:  
  
SCENE: - CONTINUOUS.  
  
PAIGE CLAMPS HER HAND TO HER CHIN IN SHOCK.  
  
PHOEBE: Nah, I'm not dead.  
PIPER: Fair enough.  
PAIGE: Uh oh...  
  
SHE'S STARTED TO SWALLOW HERSELF THROUGH HER CHIN... AGAIN.  
  
PAIGE: AP dammmmmmiiiiiiiiiiitttttttt!  
  
SHE DISAPPEARS INTO HER OWN FACE. I WISH I KNEW HOW TO DO THAT. WHAT A PARTY TRICK!  
  
PRUE: Now that's entertainment.  
  
TWO MORE FRIGGIN DEMONS ENTER. IS THIS GETTING OLD TO ANY OF YOU? WELL, THERE IS ONE DEMON AND ONE WENDIGO.  
  
WENDIGO: I am Wendigo Piper!  
PIPER: I'M Piper!  
WENDIGO: Fine... Wendigo Scotlum.  
  
PAUSE. PIPER GOES OVER AND BEATS THE SHIT OUT OF WENDIGO SCOTLUM FOR STEALING A CHARACTER IDEA TYPE THINGIES. OH WELL.  
  
WENDIGO: Owchies.  
PIPER: I'M the wendigo around here!  
  
PIPER TURNS INTO A WENDIGO AND BOUNDS OUT THE HOLE IN THE WALL.  
  
PAUSE.  
  
PRUE: Okay...  
DEMON98567349: What about me?  
PRUE: What about you, Mister Demon Number Nine Million, Five Hundred and Sixty-Seven, Three Hundred and Forty-Nine?  
DEMON98567349: Oh, excuse me. Let me introduce myself. I am Trunks Ichijouji.  
  
SILENCE.  
  
PIPER: Uh, excuse me?  
PHOEBE: *to Piper* Hey! When did you turn back into a human from a wendigo and come back inside?  
  
PIPER STARES AT PHOEBE.  
  
PIPER: That never happened.  
TRUNKS: Yes, I am Trunks Ichijouji.  
  
PAUSE.  
  
PRUE: I'm sorry, what?  
TRUNKS: Trunks Ichijouji.  
PRUE: Could you repeat that?  
TRUNKS: Trunks Ichijouji.  
PIPER: One more time.  
TRUNKS: Trunks Ichijouji.  
PRUE: Okay, just the second part.  
TRUNKS: What, Ichijouji?  
  
PAUSE.  
  
PRUE: Never mind.  
PHOEBE: Will you two quit bothering Trunks Ichijouji?  
  
PRUE AND PIPER STARE AT PHOEBE, DUMBFOUNDED.  
  
PHOEBE: What?  
TRUNKS: ... You all suck, you know that?  
PIPER: Yes, yes we do.  
  
TRUNKS SLAPS PIPER, THEN PHOEBE. SHE'S ABOUT TO GO FOR PRUE-  
  
PRUE: Don't even think about it.  
TRUNKS: Yes sir, ma'am, sorry sir, ma'am, I apologise... I'm so sorry!  
PRUE: You better be.  
  
A LITTLE BIRD FLIES IN THROUGH THE HOLE IN THE WALL.  
  
FALCON: Tweet tweet.  
PHOEBE: Aww look at the little birdy!  
FALCON: Birdy? Birdy? I ain't no common sparrow! I'm a Falcon!  
  
FALCON FLIES UP, SWOOPS OVER PHOEBE'S HEAD, AND CRAPS ON HER GOOD. REAL GOOD.  
  
PHOEBE: Well I never.  
PRUE: Awww... what a good bir- uh, Falcon!  
  
PRUE HOLDS OUT HER ARM AND FALCON LANDS ON IT.  
  
FALCON: Tweet tweet.  
  
PIPER BLOWS FALCON UP.  
  
PRUE: Piper! You killed Falcon!  
PIPER: I was aiming for you.  
  
PAUSE.  
  
PRUE: Well she was short-lived.  
WENDIGO: It's kinda poetic, really.  
  
ALL GLARE AT WENDIGO. PAIGE ENTERS.  
  
PIPER: Time for a good ol' Power of Three vanquish?  
PAIGE: What about me?  
PRUE: Move aside, lollipop-head.  
  
THE THREE ORIGINAL SISTERS HOLD HANDS.  
  
WENDIGO: Oh my sweet, sweet Astral Prue! You guys ARE lesbiums! I gotta write this down!  
  
SHE TAKES OUT A NOTEPAD AND PEN AND STARTS TO SCRIBBLE.  
  
WENDIGO: Oh KT will love this... *writes* 'Piper put her hand inside Prue's...'   
PIPER: Hey, ew!  
WENDIGO: *writing* 'Phoebe rested her head between her sister's...'  
KT(OS): Legs!  
PHOEBE: Actually that's kinda apt. I wish I could!  
  
ALL STARE AT PHOEBE. THEN THE STARE AT WENDIGO. LONG HARD SILENCE.  
  
WENDIGO: Okay, okay, I'm leaving! Sheesh...  
  
WENDIGO LEAVES. RAYEFIRE ENTERS.  
  
RAYEFIRE: I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!  
  
VINCE SHIMMERS IN.  
  
VINCE: Cue awkward silence.  
PIPER: Hey - we just killed you!  
VINCE: THAT ISN'T AN AWKWARD SILENCE, BITCHOS!  
PRUE: Oh quiet, you.  
  
PRUE BLOWS VINCE UP. AS WELL AS PAIGE.  
  
SILENCE.  
  
PRUE: Um... okay. Piper I caught your power.  
PHOEBE: But they only travel as an STD...  
  
DISGUSTED PAUSE. PIPER AND PRUE LOOK DECIDELY SHIFTIER THAN USUAL. PAIGE ENTERS.  
  
PAIGE: Sup?  
  
EVEN MORE DISGUSTED PAUSE. WELL, IT *IS* PAIGE YOU GUYS!  
  
PAUSE.  
  
PRUE: Didn't I just blow her up?  
  
PIPER TAKES PRUE ASIDE.  
  
WENDIGO(OS): OooooOOOOOOOooooooo! Lesbiums!  
  
PRUE AIMS HER POWER TO SOMEWHERE OUTSIDE AND WE HEAR A SCREAM OF PAIN.  
  
PIPER: *to Prue* Paige never dies. AP only knows how many times we've tried to off her.  
PRUE: I see...  
PAIGE: What're you two whispering about?  
PIPER: *to Prue, whispering* Whisper, whisper, whisper.  
PRUE: *same* Whisper, whisper, whisper.  
PAIGE: Ha ha, very funny.  
RAYEFIRE: I think it's funny!  
PHOEBE: Well if YOU do then WE do! HA HA HA HA HA!  
ALL: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!  
PRUE: Okay, this is too funny, I can't take it anymore, demon clearout again!  
  
PRUE BASICALLY BEATS RAYEFIRE WITH A SPATULA UNTIL SHE IS A THICK, CREAMY, DELICIOUS PASTE. PAINT A NICE PICTURE, DON'T I?  
  
PHOEBE: Mmm... paste.  
  
PHOEBE LICKS THE PASTE UP.  
  
PHOEBE: Mmm... tastes like weird.  
  
THERE IS LAUGHTER HEARD FROM OUTSIDE. EVERYBODY LISTENS.  
  
PRUE: What the paige...  
  
THE FOUR CHARMEDED ONES GO TO THE FRONT DOOR TO SEE STEPH, SMOOSHED ON THE DOORSTEP, LAUGHING HER DEMONIC ASS OFF.  
  
PIPER: What the hell are you laughing at?  
STEPH: *stops laughing* Oh, I thought Rayefire was still here. *straight-faced, almost threatening* She cracks me up.  
  
EVERYBODY EXCHANGES EXASPERATED GLANCES. PHOEBE GETS THE STILL-COVERED-IN-RAYEFIRE-GOO-SPATULA AND PRISES STEPH UP OFF THE GROUND.  
  
PRUE: Oh, Steph. What're we gonna do with you?  
STEPH: Give me a good home and lots of potato and parsnip soup?  
PRUE: Oh no. You killed Lierre, see?  
STEPH: *sighs* Always with the Lierre...  
  
SHE STOPS WHEN SHE SEES PRUE'S DEATH GLARE.  
  
STEPH: Uh... it was- uh, to... further... the plot?  
PHOEBE: YOU COULDA KILLED ME!!!  
  
STEPH TAKES A NOTE THAT SHE HAS PHOEBE'S PERMISSION TO KILL HER AT ANY GIVEN TIME.  
  
STEPH: Cool.  
PRUE: But we're gonna have to beat you to a fine pulp, I hope you realise.  
STEPH: I guess, it kinda comes with the territory.  
PIPER: What territory?  
STEPH: Duh, the front doorstep. Do you know how many people stand on me every day? A lot. A whole lot. And there was a dragon around earlier on. He was trying to look through your letter box. Via standing on me. It wasn't the most pleasant of things.  
PRUE: Oh well.  
  
PRUE, PIPER AND PAIGE START BEATING STEPH BACK TO HELL.  
  
ANONYMOUS: Woohp!  
  
THEY ALL STOP. SILENCE.  
  
PRUE: Who said that?  
PIPER: Who's there?  
PHOEBE: I soiled myself.  
ANONYMOUS: It's me.  
  
THERE IS NOBODY THERE.  
  
PRUE: Reveal yourself!  
ANONYMOUS: I can't. I'm Anonymous.  
  
PHOEBE IS GIVEN A WEDGIE BY NO ONE. SHE LIKES IT. LIKES IT A LOT.  
  
WENDIGO: You dirty smut-monkey!  
PRUE: GET OUT OF HERE YOU PERVERTED FREAK!  
  
PRUE TK'S WENDIGO AWAY. AGAIN.  
  
ANONYMOUS: Well... I'm off. My torch is running low, I need to go and ignite it on more things. Perhaps this story!  
  
THERE IS SILENCE, SO I'M ASSUMING ANONYMOUS LEFT. THEY RESUME BEATING STEPH AGAIN WHILE PHOEBE RUNS AROUND IN CIRCLES SCREAMING "CHIHUAHUAS? THAT'S *SICK*!!!" A DEMON ENTERS.  
  
DEMON: I am Neo. I'd say my whole name, but it's spelt weird. This is my Chihuahua, Leo.  
  
THE LITTLE DOG RUNS ABOUT AND YAPS.  
  
PHOEBE: Did you know that the Chihuahua is a tiny dog with an apple-shaped head and a short pointed muzzle? It has round, large, very dark eyes, sometimes dark ruby or luminous in colour. The trademark large ears should be held erect. Puppies have a soft spot or "molera" on the top of the skull. The bone usually closes the gap by adulthood. The body is cobby - meaning stout, longer than it is tall, and the tail is sickle-shaped - curled over the back or to the side. Besides the common short-haired variety there is also a long-haired type. Colours include fawn, sand, chestnut, silver and steel blue, but any colour is accepted, including black and tan and parti-colour. The dog is more robust than he looks, with a level back, and legs coming down straight and square.  
PIPER: Apple-shaped head huh? No wonder it's called Leo.  
  
ALL LAUGH AT THE LITTLE APPLE-FACED DOG. WHICH RAISES IT'S LEG ON PHOEBE'S ANKLE.  
  
PAIGE: Can we comment on what Phoebe just said now?  
PHOEBE: Sure!  
PIPER: Heh, 'apple-shaped'.  
WENDIGO: Hehe - 'erect'.  
ALL: GET OUT!  
WENDIGO: But it's humoral!  
  
WENDIGO RUNS. PAUSE.  
  
PIPER: Humoral?  
  
PAUSE.  
  
PIPER: Let's comment again.  
PRUE: I want a dog with luminous eyes!  
PAIGE: How did Phoebe learn those big words?  
PIPER: How did Phoebe learn ANY words?  
PRUE: How many times did KT have to go through that changing all the 'color's to 'colour's?  
KT(OS): A few. I liek my spelling, thank you very much.  
NEO: Um... I'm taking Leo and going.  
  
NEO TAKES LEO THE DOG *AND* LEO THE APPLE-FACE AND LEAVES.  
  
PIPER: Aw, she stole my husband.   
PRUE: Oh well.  
PIPER: Okay, before any more stupid shannenigans get underway, let's just bring this to a close. Prue, come and see the christmas tree, okay? Okay. Let's go.  
  
ABANDONING STEPH AND NOT REALLY CARING ABOUT IT, SHE GRABS PRUE AND DRAGS HER INTO THE LIVING ROOM WHERE THERE IS A LOVELY TREE.  
  
PRUE: Hey, it DOES look good! Now to destroy it.  
  
PRUE WALKS UP TO THE TREE, GRABS THE CABLE FROM THE LIGHTS, AND PULLS. ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE-  
  
PRUE: How DARE you be so insensitive as to use that phrase in my presence!?!  
  
OH, AP, SORRY!   
  
PRUE: You better be!  
  
IT'S JUST, YOU KNOW, IT SEEMED TO FIT IN REALLY WELL WITH THE DESCRIPTION OF ALL THE STUFF FLYING EVERYWHERE-  
  
PRUE: I don't care.   
  
SORRY.  
  
PRUE: Good. Now, continue.  
  
RIGHT. ALL HELL BREAKS-  
  
PRUE: What did I just say?  
  
SORRY! UM... THE STUFF FLIES - WELL, IT FLEW EVERYWHERE. THE TREE TOPPLED AND THE LIGHTS WENT OUT. IT WAS A GENERAL MESS IN GENERAL.  
  
PIPER: Prue! What did you just do?  
PRUE: What? Because obviously, you're supposed to be Wiccan! You don't celebrate Christmas, which, by the way KT, is spelt with a capital 'C'.  
KT(OS): Oh...  
PRUE: That's been annoying me throughout this entire 'special'. And besides, I don't want you guys having fun.  
PAIGE: Prue! You ruined christmas!  
PRUE: What did I say about that capital 'C'?  
KT(OS): Sorry.  
PAIGE: Prue! You ruined Christmas!  
PRUE: That's better. And I did not!  
PAIGE: Did too!  
PRUE: Did not.  
PAIGE: Did too!  
PRUE: Did not. Oh wait, actually, yes I did. Ha ha. But it was your fault overall.  
PHOEBE: How?  
PRUE: You got me a sucky presum!  
PIPER: We did?  
PRUE: You gave me Paige! What kind of presum is that?  
PIPER: We did?  
PRUE: Don't you remember? Well, this is your fault that I'm gonna have to call a flashback.  
  
* * * NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! FLASHBACK WARNING-O-RAMA! * * *  
  
PIPER: No no no I remember I remember!  
  
* * * CUT FLASHBACK. THANK AP PIPER SAVED US. * * *  
  
PRUE: Well, if you'd care to remember, now I have to smash your throats...ift.  
PHOEBE: Yeah I guess so.  
  
BAM! PRUE SMASHES (PUNCHES) PHOEBE IN THE THROAT. PHOEBE DROPS TO THE FLOOR, IMMEDIATELY UNCONSCIOUS.  
  
PRUE: And you too, Paige.  
PAIGE: Okay.  
  
BAM! PRUE SMASHES PAIGE IN THE THROAT, AND THAT POOR, SWEET, LITTLE LESBIUM ALSO FLOPS ONTO THE FLOOR, UTTERLY SENSELESS.  
  
PRUE: Ready, Piper?  
PIPER: Actually, no.   
PRUE: What?  
PIPER: I'm sorry, but I'd rather keep my throat intact.  
PRUE: Oh, okay, no problem.  
PIPER: You kidding?  
PRUE: No. You said you'd rather I didn't, and if I did, that's like... abuse or something. I could get arrested! Besides, I wouldn't want to inflict any unwanted pain on you now, would I?  
PIPER: Oh Prue, I love you! Looks like Christmas isn't ruined after all!  
PRUE: No, it looks like it isn't. Oh, and Piper? When I said I wasn't going to smash in your throat, well, I was lying.  
  
PRUE SMASHES PIPER IN THE THROAT. POOR LITTLE PANPIPER FALLS DOWN, AS UNCONSCIOUS AS AN APPLE WHICH HAS ROTTED INTO THE CRACKS IN THE SIDEWALK. RANDOM COMPARISON.  
  
PRUE: That feels better. Sweet dreams, little sisters of mine. Merry Christmas, merry Christmas. Now I must go back to being dead. For the second time. Oh me.  
  
SHE TURNS TO THE CAMERA.  
  
PRUE: You idiums have a good Christmas or whatever the paige you get up to in the holidays, or I'm setting Phoebe on you!   
  
SHE GRINS, GIVES A CHEESY LITTLE WAVE, AND ORBS OFF.  
  
WE START TO ZOOM OUT SLOWLY, SLOWLY, OVER PHOEBE, PAIGE AND PIPER'S STILL BODIES, OUT THE KITCHEN WINDOW/HOLE IN THE WALL, OUT OF THE F*CK-OFF PINK MANSION, AND OVER ONTO THE BOOT-IFUL HORIZON OF SAN FRANCISCO. LOVELY.  
  
ROLL CREDITS.  
  
OPEN ON: CANDID SHOT OF THE CAST.  
  
SHANNEN: We had a lot of fun filming this Charmeded Christmas Carol.  
HOLLY: And we'll have even more fun showing you the new series of Charmeded, as soon as it gets re-written.  
ALYSSA: I haven't had sex in three days.  
  
ALL STARE AT ALYSSA. VINCE THE DEMON WALKS PAST.  
  
VINCE: Cue awkward silence.  
  
INDEED, THERE IS AN AWKWARD SILENCE. VINCE EXITS.  
  
JULIAN: Anyway!  
ROSE: I had fun too...  
SHANNEN: You don't get to talk!  
BRIAN: Okay, calm down Shannen, just read the cards.  
ALL: We hope you enjoyed the show, and Merry Christmas-  
SHANNEN: With a capital 'C'!  
JULIAN: And a happy new year.  
HOLLY: And if you don't celebrate Christmas-  
BRIAN: Have a great holiday!  
ALYSSA: And lots of sex!  
  
ALL STARE AT ALYSSA. VINCE WALKS PAST... AGAIN.  
  
VINCE: Cue awkward silence.  
  
THERE IS AN AWKWARD SILENCE. VINCE EXITS... AGAIN.  
  
ROSE: Anyways!  
SHANNEN: Quiet, you! Look at your dumb hair!  
ALL: So... for the final time, Merry Christmas!  
ALYSSA: God bless us, every one.  
  
HOLLY PUNCHES ALYSSA.  
  
HOLLY: It's AP! AP, damn you!  
  
A LIGHTNING BOLT STRIKES ALYSSA.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
BLACK.  
  
  
  
  
  
Have a good holiday, idiums! Hope you enjoyed the show and the random appearances. I know I could've added more, but hey, we like to have quality down here at Charmeded! Oh, okay, so A) that was a big insult and B) it was a lie. Charmeded and quality go together about as well as Charmed and continuity! I just had to be wary of length, but I hope this all put you into the destructive Christmas spirit we all know and adore.  
  
Thanks for the reviews, guys! Light, lubb, and 'lyssie's to all! 


End file.
